I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. It’s a tough choice. It’s even tougher when you’re 35 years old and a mother of two. Those realities don’t necessarily limit your option, but they sure do define them. I feel tired these days. Not of life (never of life) but of trying to become what and who I want.
Paisley turned five in January. Five seemed like a big one to me. She starts kindergarten next fall and is turning into a big kid right before my eyes. Parenting is bittersweet – you want them to grow up. I mean, that is the objective. You want them to be healthy and eventually, a fully-functioning adult. And yet, there are days where you just want them to stop. This age, and every age before it, has been a study in wonder and innocence. Paisley is creative without knowing it. She is sweet and gentle without feeling vulnerable. She is joyous without the anchoring regard for what others around her might think. She will dance naked in the living room and feel nothing but sheer jubilation. She goes to sleep each night with peace and a sense of security. She looks at the world with awe and a sense of wonder and reverence. She loves with abandon and tells you “Don’t do that!” when she doesn’t like something. She has a lot to teach me.
It has been a long fall. We had a miscarriage (that’s 7 pregnancies in total now) in October that has left my life a little topsy-turvy. I had a d&c that, as it turns out, wasn’t succesful so my hormones have been crazy. The doctor put me on Misoprostol and that lovely little process has only just finished. Hoping we can get a clear ultrasound next week and just put that behind us. As for the other after-effects of this pregnancy, who knows. Shortly after the miscarriage, my hubby informed me that he is now 100% sure he does not want another baby. I came out even more sure than I had been going in to this that I desperately do want another baby. Love can build a bridge but it can’t span this divide I’m afraid. The respectful but exhausting debate rages on. I get where he is coming from. He gets where I am coming from but neither one of us seems able to cross the line. Any experience with this one?