Posted on mormon.org (apparently they now have a feature where people can post their own “I’m a Mormon” stories)…man, did I get a laugh out of this. (Unfortunately the link has since been removed):
Hi, I’m Justin
And I’m a Mormon.
Sure, there’s something appealing about getting my own planet after I die (hopefully near Kolob – it’s the *star* near where God lives, not a planet as many non-Mormons mistakenly believe)
But there’s more to it than that – the things that Mormonism can help out with in this life, making it easier.
Why I am a Mormon
Sadly, I missed the glory days before 1890 when I could have had more than one wife, and I even missed the 1978 deadline where I could have believed myself superior to black people (hey! It’s not my fault they sinned in the pre-existance! If they didn’t want to be black, they should have followed God right away instead of being a fence-sitter…)
But I still do get the blessings that come with living the modern LDS gospel! I get to feel superior to people cursed with homosexual attractions, and my wife has to submit to me – I’m sure glad I have the priesthood!
Why do Mormons go on missions?
To give Matt and Trey material…
How I live my faith
Sure, it’s a bit of sacrifice wearing the strange-looking garments (as a reminder of covenants), and 10% of my income can be a huge sacrifice – but at least I know it’s going to help God’s plan, in building shopping malls and hunting lodges. Who am I to rob God?
I go to church for three hours every Sunday, but sometimes I feel that’s not enough, so I also go to extra “fireside” meetings occasionally. I do wish the lessons would change a bit sometimes – I wish they’d talk about Brigham Young’s quotes about Adam and God being the same person or deep doctrine, but most of the time they’re always about paying tithing or letting my leaders do my thinking for me. But even if the lessons get repetitive, I feel good knowing I’m serving God and earning a place close to Him and Joseph Smith in the Celestial Kingdom (and maybe an extra wife or two!)