MIL

All posts tagged MIL

Back from a mission, ready to cure his lonely condition.

Posted by AtheistMom on April 22, 2012
Posted in: Other, Religion. Tagged: , , , , , , . 1 comment

How time flies. My brother-in-law, who I first mentioned here (and then again, here and here) is back from serving his two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Better known as the Mormons. It was great to see him again and he has changed so much. His mission was a Spanish speaking one so he has returned completely fluent in Spanish. Pretty cool. While I obviously don’t support missions, I do think the church does an amazing job with these young people. My hubby served in France and remains fluent in French to this day. The church, very deliberately, takes these young men (there are some women missionaries but they are overwhelmingly young men who begin their mission at the age of 19) at a pivotal point in their lives and immerses indoctrinates them even further into the teachings of the church. They are shielded from the world (no tv, no music, no movies, no shopping, no fun) and do nothing but read scriptures or teach scriptures for every waking hour.

I could go on and on about missions but I will refrain for this post. After strictly adhering to the rules for two full years, they are sent home. They have one big rule that they need to follow when they return to their “normal” lives. Get married. The church puts a lot of pressure on these young guys, to go home, figure out what they are going to do with their lives (i.e. decide whether they are going to be a dentist, a doctor, a chiropractor or a podiatrist) and above all, find a wife and start a family. Young girls have a similar goal – find a returned missionary (or RM for short) and marry him. Preferably within months of meeting him, so you know, the sheen doesn’t  wear off before you’ve sealed the deal.

Before my little BIL was even home, my MIL was plotting and scheming with another mom in town to find him a wife. The one she had chosen for him (I am not even joking about this…it makes me mad. Apparently the idea of him choosing his own wife is too much to handle) is a family friend and just graduating high school. She is 17 years old. That’s right folks – 17 years old. And she wants her 21-year-old son to marry her. Like now. WTF?! Even writing this makes me all sweaty and ragey…what the hell is wrong with this woman? But, I digress.

Thankfully, my BIL has his eye fixed on another lady who has a job and is older than him. They have been dating for a matter of weeks and the entire family is giddy and waiting with baited-breath for the engagement announcement. I really like this young woman and as far as future wives go, she is a real catch. But they just met! And he just got back from a mission! And he’s starting University in September! And he just turned 22! And he has his whole life ahead of him!

Given that my little BIL was afraid of girls when he left on his mission and had never had a girlfriend, I thought he might be immune to this. As it turns out, he isn’t.  He is proud of the fact that he was the most “obedient” missionary in his mission and he obviously intends to follow all the rules now that he’s home.I just think it’s important that he decompress from his mission, het some perspective, maybe date a couple of people and get some education under his belt before he settles down. There I go with my radical thinking again.

There is nothing for me to do really. He’s a grown man (sort of) who can make his Mom’s own decisions. I just feel disappointed. Not in him…but for him.

Easter Entertainment

Posted by AtheistMom on April 9, 2012
Posted in: Other, Parenting, Religion. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 11 comments

Well, it happened. Just like I knew it would. Except it was worse than I had imagined and I felt more uncomfortable than I might have predicted.

For the past few weeks, Paisley has been asking me a lot about religion and prayer. It all started when she asked why her Grandpa prays before eating. We explained to her that some people thank God before they eat. We told her that some people believe in God, and some people don’t. When asked what God was we replied that he  was a man who lives in the sky and takes care of you. I thought that was an age appropriate way to explain a complicated (and let’s be honest – confusing) concept. Ever since then she has been asking more questions. I explained that I used to believe in God but that after looking at the evidence I decided that I didn’t any more. Which led to a conversation about evidence. We talked about believing in flying ducks versus flying pigs. I went through each example, offering evidence for and against each claim. At the end of our conversation she stated that “I don’t believe in a man in the sky or that pigs can fly.” I had a bad feeling about going to see the in-laws for Easter dinner.

My hubby and I debated about whether we should preempt her by telling her not to say anything about God. We decided against it, mainly because I rail against the practice of religion being treated with kid gloves. I don’t want to introduce the idea that religion is any different than any other subject – ask questions, think for yourself, speak freely. So we didn’t and I knew, I just knew she was going to say something.

So, we are sitting down about to eat lunch and Grandpa decides to lead us in prayer. (As a sidenote, leading “us” in prayer really means leading the minority of the people at the table in prayer which feels a bit weird, but whatever, their house,) Paisley listens with eyes wide open and then proceeds to make her way around the table telling each person that “there is NO man in the sky.” When I tried to quietly tell her to sit and eat, she yelled “I have to tell the people who believe in God that there is no man in the sky.” Wow. Grandma was pissed but everyone else just ignored her. She kept persisting, long after it was uncomfortable and my husband eventually distracted her and changed the subject. When we sat down to pray for Easter dinner though, she started again and said “But I don’t believe in G -” before both my husband and I shooshed her. Nobody said anything to us about it (his family believes in evading the elephant in the room almost as much as they do the restoration of the one true church – thank goodness) but it was tense.

My husband found the whole thing hilarious but I don’t deal with that stuff as well as he does (which is funny because typically he tends to be more reserved and rigid and I’m more apt to flaunt convention). As much as I try, I can’t handle verbal conflict. I have a hard time being direct and saying what I mean when what I mean is hurtful or uncomfortable. At the same time, I am proud that we are raising our kids in a secular household. I never want my kids to feel like they can’t ask questions or that they need to be embarrassed about their beliefs and I have been second-guessing myself ever since we left. Did I handle that right? Should we have said something to either explain or defend her? Was shooshing her the wrong thing to do? It’s hard because my in-laws have been pretty careful not to raise or push their religion on us and while everyone knows that we aren’t Mormon, it’s not something we talk about. I find it hard to strike a balance between respecting others and allowing the kids to be themselves.

My favourite part? When Grandma didn’t quite catch what my daughter had said and yelled, “What?! There is a snowman in the sky?” Don’t worry – Paisley set her straight.

 

 

 

A Medical Miracle

Posted by AtheistMom on March 8, 2011
Posted in: Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 4 comments

We received a frantic phone call on Friday night from my MIL informing us that my little BIL (who is serving his mission in Arizona) “blew out his knee” and might have to be released from his missionary duties in order to come home and recuperate. She was upset for a few reasons; she is a mother and of course, she wasn’t able to speak to her son directly, she was surprised and didn’t have all the information she wanted and above all, she was upset about his mission experience being  jeopardized. My BIL is loving his mission experience so far and part of the appeal for missionaries and their families is that it is such a long stretch. Two years is a long time to do anything consistently. It is a long time to not see loved ones, only talk to them on the phone 4 times and to commit yourself as a servant of the Lord. Doing the time is part of what makes it such a huge deal, so cutting it in half would have been very upsetting for everyone involved.

My MIL wasn’t totally sure what had happened but was told by the missionary President’s wife (who apparently is responsible for keeping other Mother’s informed of their kid’s accidents/injuries etc.) that they would call back on Monday with more information. There was much concern and worry and discussion about what this would mean.

We called today only to be referred to an email that she had forwarded to us. Basically, my BIL is the proud recipient of a genuine miracle of God. You can only imagine my frustration upon hearing his version of events. He hurt his knee playing soccer and knew right away it was bad. They took him to a doctor who felt it and told him that he thought he may have torn his MCL and to stay off of it for the next few days until he could get an MRI. The bishop came and did a blessing on BIL’s knee. The pain did not subside and it was still pretty bad. On Monday the Bishop came and did another blessing after which my BIL’s knee started to feel a bit better. At the very least, he felt better. When they got the results back from the MRI it showed  a small tear in the MCL but there is no need for surgery and his mission won’t be affected. I could hardly stomach reading the email as he launched into his testimony and assurances that he has re-committed himself with even more fervor into bringing the Gospel to the people and that he knows this and that is true and how blessed he is to have been a witness to the glory and power of God’s miraculous love. Blah, blah, blah.

Here is what I would like to say but will not:

1. Your first doctor? Yeah, he misdiagnosed your knee. Not difficult to do when you’re just feeling around someone’s inflamed joint.

2. If the blessing was so effective, why did it take two of them?

3. Maybe the looseness that you attribute to a torn ligament was just loose ligaments that tightened up after you followed the doctor’s suggestions to ice and rest your knee.

4. And perhaps my biggest complaint with all claims of miraculous healing…who do you think you are?! Let me get this straight. This omnipotent and benevolent God who has the power to heal the sick and dying skips over the truly needy only to fix your knee? While you were receiving a priesthood blessing in Arizona, countless women were cradling dying infants and children in their arms, begging and pleading for their lives. Terminally ill people begged for mercy. Innocent babies lay in the dirt, listless from starvation and dehydration. By morning, thousands of people have died painful, agonizing and wholly undeserved deaths but God fixed your knee. Are you kidding me? This to me is the height of egotism.

I thought about saying something but this boy has drunk bathed in the kool-aid and is now handing out free samples, so he’s beyond reasonable debate at this point.

In Lieu of Prayers Send Doctors…

Posted by AtheistMom on May 7, 2010
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We have been trying to get pregnant for some time now and it is taking a bit longer than we anticipated. Then, a couple of days ago, I started experiencing awful pain in my lower abdomen and happened to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Unfortunately, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy and after an emergency ultrasound and a rush of phone calls, concerned doctors and a particularly embarrassing tour through my doctor’s waiting room on a stretcher, I found myself in hospital awaiting surgery. My husband called the necessary people and informed them of what was happening and the reaction from the MIL was of course, that she would keep me in her prayers. I always appreciate the sentiment behind those kinds of things and I realize that they are often said out of habit and the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what else to say. The point was, that she was concerned,thinking of me and hoping for the best.

I had a lot of time to think in the hospital and since that’s what I tend to do anyway, the extra time wasn’t really necessary (or healthy! I was treated by the nicest people and every nurse or doctor who I encountered was kind, friendly, professional and obviously very capable. I watched the machinery around me – from the ultrasound machine that first diagnosed the ectopic pregnancy,  the heart monitors, the thermometers that took my temperature with a quick swipe over my forehead, to the little pads on my fingers that read my pulse and oxygen levels. Amazing. Eventually, when I was brought in to the operating room, I was put under with anaesthetic, had my blood sugar monitored continuously and the surgeons were able to inflate my abdominal cavity and perform laparoscopic surgery through three small incisions. That is incredible.

We take so much for granted these days but as a diabetic I am keenly aware of how much we rely on modern-day advances to keep us healthy. I’m glad my MIL prayed for me but I’ll put my money (and my life) on the side of science and technology any day.

It’s a small world after all…

Posted by AtheistMom on November 3, 2009
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My little sister-in-law is 19 and beautiful. She is smart and funny, a talented writer and photographer and despite a lot of pressure, she has managed to avoid the Mormon mold. Until now.

After graduating, she had some big ideas. Some very atypical (for Mormons at least – the acceptable range is so much narrower) ideas like traveling. Or volunteering somewhere in South America. She wanted to study fashion and live in London. While we did our best to offer support, money and anything else she might need to make these things happen, these ideas were abandoned. She met a boy, all her friends went on missions, she started talking about BYU Hawaii. We were a bit disappointed but BYU Hawaii was at least somewhere and the chilled atmosphere would suit her personality perfectly. It was still outside the normal range of expectations and so we were pleased. Then it became BYU Provo.

The most recent news is that she will be going to BYU Idaho (formerly Ricks College). And living with her best friend from high school. And will not meet a single non-Mormon during her entire stay. And she’s taking general studies. Basically, she’s passing time until she meets a returned missionary and gets married. I was devastated when she told me. Not because there is anything wrong with BYU Idaho (my husband went there for the year before his mission) or living with your best friend (even though this particular friend has not been good to my little sis and has been pushed on her by my MIL for years) but because the whole concept is so small and my little sister could do so much better. Being young is about meeting people with new perspectives, having your ideas and your identity challenged, learning and falling and growing and sometimes, getting a fresh start. My SIL won’t get any of that and I am so sad for her. And so goddamned angry at her family and the little piss-ant town she lives in. Sigh.

Sick

Posted by AtheistMom on October 15, 2009
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Last night, we were getting our little girl ready for bed when hubby turned to me and said, “If I was still in the church, she would be learning to pray right about now.” WTF? She’s not even two yet!

The idea of teaching P to get down on her knees and recite some silly poem to the heavens, all in an effort to ingratiate herself to a brutal and inconsistent father in heaven (when she has a wonderful father right here on earth) is infuriating to me.

I have heard the argument made that teaching your kids to be atheist is no different than teaching them to have faith. You are indoctrinating them, either way. This is something I have struggled with because while I want P to think critically and rationally, I don’t want to force her to be a non-believer. I can say though, that I have never sat her down and told her anything about religion. Do you know why? Because she’s a baby! The idea that you would intentionally set out to introduce a supernatural being into a child’s reality before they have the skills or development to question it is sick and twisted. It’s taking advantage of a primed and vulnerable mind and it’s no wonder it is so difficult and painful for adults to leave the church when their faith is so deeply rooted in their infant brain.

I remember reading my hubby’s baby book not too long ago and feeling physically ill when I read this message from my MIL: “Brian received a gift of one dollar today and when I asked him what he was going to spend it on he told me he was going to save it for his mission, – Age 2″

Holy fuck.

Prayer ID Required

Posted by AtheistMom on September 15, 2009
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I have written before about prayer and how egotistical and irrational it really is. While I understand the emotional need to feel like you are “doing something” in a time of crisis, I think prayer is a perfect example of what can happen when you don’t actually stop and think about what you are doing.

Yesterday, a family friend was in a car accident and my MIL immediately started calling for prayers on Facebook. I have seen this a lot. I have been invited to prayer groups and been called to “pray for so-and-so because he/she needs your faith”. My response is to politely ignore the invitation, privately fume and move on. The thing I noticed yesterday however, was how many of these groups use the first name and last name of the people needing prayers. In the cases I’ve seen this is intended for those who don’t know the person personally but wish to add them to their prayers.

So, I can assume that God needs surnames? Should people perhaps include birth dates or addresses when praying on their behalf? Is there a risk of identity theft in heaven? What if there were two Steve Smith’s battling cancer and God was having  bad day? Would one man live and the other die? If I just prayed for “Bob” would some guy in Utah sit up from his hospital bed while my friend remained in a coma?

Ridiculous right?

Right.

Edumacated?

Posted by AtheistMom on September 14, 2009
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Although I am a Canadian, I have many American friends and have spent a lot of time in the US. I recognize the power and influence that resides below our border and therefore, follow closely the political and religious (the line between which is increasingly blurry I’m afraid) ongoings of the country. I have to say that I am discouraged, bewildered and sometimes afraid at the state of affairs these days.

The anti-intellectualism exhibited primarily by the right-wing in the US is shocking. People seem to pride themselves in having faith over having knowledge and refuse to listen to any information coming from the other side, even if it is fact.  They don’t believe in fact anymore it would seem – only nuance and semantics. Fox news will lie outright (a good example would be when they labelled disgraced Florida representative, Mark Foley as a democrat) and people don’t even notice. And when they do notice they somehow, don’t care! A true democracy relies on an informed base and I’m afraid that the American media and the American people have failed to do their job.

The question though, is where does this lack of critical evaluation and consideration come from? I would argue it is rooted in religion. When you are encouraged to take things on faith rather than evidence it is only a matter of time before that same approach seeps into the rest of your life. When your brain becomes habituated to shutting down, not questioning and ignoring evidence which does not support your world view, it starts to atrophy. This effect is crystalized by a society that celebrates this “fiction over fact” mentality and it perpetuates itself into homes, schools and the media. My mother-in-law, who is Mormon, has a sign on her fridge that reads “Character is higher than intellect.” Each time we visit, my husband and I are tempted to write “And intellect is higher than God.” but so far we haven’t touched the damn thing. What does character mean exactly anyway? Grrr…this could launch me into a whole other subject so I’m going to stop thinking about that sign on the fridge door. That damn sign that sets such low standards for a growing family.

The point is, people have been taught not to think. If you have to force yourself to accept that the world, contrary to so much evidence, is only 6,000 years old than I suppose it is not at all a stretch to believe that the President is a socialist. And if your Republican friends believe it too than it must be true. Don’t bother to pick up a dictionary and look up the term “socialist” (the dictionary is probably produced by some left-wing atheist publisher anyhow) or ask yourself what it must be like to truly live in a socialist country, or heaven forbid, actually read the health reform initiatives in their original forms, without interpretation. Why is it that the national newspapers are writing at a grade 4-5 level? How is it that so many people don’t know that Africa is a continent, or what “socialist” means or how the scientific method works? How is it that health reporting is so bad that experts now say it is causing more harm than good, and even “reporters” don’t check facts?

How did religion come to trump reason? And most importantly, how do we fix it?

on motherhood

Posted by AtheistMom on March 6, 2009
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I was told by my MIL and many others that my approach to the world would shift dramatically when I had my own child. I think my MIL in particular fully expected me to become LDS and lead her wayward son back to the flock. Many mothers cannot imagine having a child and not having religion. I understand that to some degree. I understand how deeply you love that babe in your arms and how desperately you want them to live for all time and be protected while they do it. Unfortunately, wanting something does not make it so.

Having a child did indeed change my perspective, but probably not in the way my MIL would have liked. I remember looking into her newborn eyes and promising her that I would do everything in my power to protect her from religion and all the things it brings with it. I want her to live in a world of reason and truth. Where people’s energies are devoted to one another and to improving our lot in life as opposed to works for some unseen God. I want her to learn that the natural world is amazing and incredible and all that we have. That it must be protected as well as loved and that the answers to the mystery of the universe are ours to discover. When she stumbles I want her to think “What can I do about this?” as opposed to getting down on her knees and handing the job over to someone else.

Religion brings fear, limits, consequences and rigid rules that should not be questioned. For many people that is what parenting is and so having a God to “back you up” makes life easier. They take the “heavenly father” analogy quite literally. We, on the other hand, will treat the whole subject the same as we would treat any other imaginary friend.