family

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A Medical Miracle

Posted by AtheistMom on March 8, 2011
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We received a frantic phone call on Friday night from my MIL informing us that my little BIL (who is serving his mission in Arizona) “blew out his knee” and might have to be released from his missionary duties in order to come home and recuperate. She was upset for a few reasons; she is a mother and of course, she wasn’t able to speak to her son directly, she was surprised and didn’t have all the information she wanted and above all, she was upset about his mission experience being  jeopardized. My BIL is loving his mission experience so far and part of the appeal for missionaries and their families is that it is such a long stretch. Two years is a long time to do anything consistently. It is a long time to not see loved ones, only talk to them on the phone 4 times and to commit yourself as a servant of the Lord. Doing the time is part of what makes it such a huge deal, so cutting it in half would have been very upsetting for everyone involved.

My MIL wasn’t totally sure what had happened but was told by the missionary President’s wife (who apparently is responsible for keeping other Mother’s informed of their kid’s accidents/injuries etc.) that they would call back on Monday with more information. There was much concern and worry and discussion about what this would mean.

We called today only to be referred to an email that she had forwarded to us. Basically, my BIL is the proud recipient of a genuine miracle of God. You can only imagine my frustration upon hearing his version of events. He hurt his knee playing soccer and knew right away it was bad. They took him to a doctor who felt it and told him that he thought he may have torn his MCL and to stay off of it for the next few days until he could get an MRI. The bishop came and did a blessing on BIL’s knee. The pain did not subside and it was still pretty bad. On Monday the Bishop came and did another blessing after which my BIL’s knee started to feel a bit better. At the very least, he felt better. When they got the results back from the MRI it showed  a small tear in the MCL but there is no need for surgery and his mission won’t be affected. I could hardly stomach reading the email as he launched into his testimony and assurances that he has re-committed himself with even more fervor into bringing the Gospel to the people and that he knows this and that is true and how blessed he is to have been a witness to the glory and power of God’s miraculous love. Blah, blah, blah.

Here is what I would like to say but will not:

1. Your first doctor? Yeah, he misdiagnosed your knee. Not difficult to do when you’re just feeling around someone’s inflamed joint.

2. If the blessing was so effective, why did it take two of them?

3. Maybe the looseness that you attribute to a torn ligament was just loose ligaments that tightened up after you followed the doctor’s suggestions to ice and rest your knee.

4. And perhaps my biggest complaint with all claims of miraculous healing…who do you think you are?! Let me get this straight. This omnipotent and benevolent God who has the power to heal the sick and dying skips over the truly needy only to fix your knee? While you were receiving a priesthood blessing in Arizona, countless women were cradling dying infants and children in their arms, begging and pleading for their lives. Terminally ill people begged for mercy. Innocent babies lay in the dirt, listless from starvation and dehydration. By morning, thousands of people have died painful, agonizing and wholly undeserved deaths but God fixed your knee. Are you kidding me? This to me is the height of egotism.

I thought about saying something but this boy has drunk bathed in the kool-aid and is now handing out free samples, so he’s beyond reasonable debate at this point.

Where Do Babies Come From?

Posted by AtheistMom on January 8, 2011
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For most people, this is a simple enough question. We know how babies are conceived but if you believe in a soul, then the questions becomes a lot more complicated. This question lies at the root of many pro-life/pro-choice debates as well as the many different religious stances on sexuality, birth control, AIDS, and homosexuality. Your take on this question informs your belief in humanity and the essence which separates us from all other creations.

If you’re Mormon, it’s even more complicated. The Mormons believe in the premortal existence. A place where all the little souls of all the babies to be born are hanging out with God. (In the strictest sense, most religions believe in a pre-existence of the soul before it enters human form but surprise, surprise, nobody has made it as weird and convoluted as the Mormons). They also believe in three composite aspects of the human form; spirit, body and intelligence. Intelligence is a common human essence that is put into a spirit body which is then turned into a physical body. So, souls are not just souls, they are spirit bodies with their own intelligence. Still with me?

Unlike so many other religions that just let non-sensical doctrine stand, Mormons take the bold step of trying to explain this one step further. This is where they lead us into crazy land. So, the Mormons believe that since all these spirit body’s are around, they too must have been created. And how did they get created? Why, the same way physical bodies are conceived. So, now we have the Heavenly Father up in the sky with the Heavenly Mother and their infinite spirit body offspring. This is one of those things that makes non-Mormons go “Whu!?” because it is so against what many other Christian religions teach. The introduction of a heavenly mother who co-created each of us is viewed as blasphemous by many and another example of how the Mormons are not truly Christians.

“Jesus, however, is the firstborn among all the sons of God—the first begotten in the spirit, and the only begotten in the flesh. He is our elder brother, and we, like Him, are in the image of God. All men and women are in the similitude of the universal Father and Mother, and are literally the sons and daughters of Deity.” MFP 4:203.

(As a point of interest, the Mormons also believe that there are spiritual tests and challenges in the pre-mortal existence that will inform your later position in life. These learning opportunities are discussed in “councils in heaven” – a sort of department meeting between uncountable spirit bodies and the big honcho, Daddy God. Up until fairly recently (1978) Mormons believed that people were marked with dark skin for being fence-sitters in the pre-mortal existence, in the War in Heaven. Religion is like the Rabbit Hole in Alice in Wonderland – the deeper you go, the weirder it gets.)

The idea of the Heavenly Mother is part of the doctrine of eternal progression. Ooooh, you’re going to love this one. So, the church basically believes that the Heavenly Mother and Father were themselves once spirit children who received a physical body and were then rewarded for their good behaviour by being given a universe of their own. They were begotten from a Heavenly Mother and Father, who also had their own universe. And so on, and so on. This one (obviously) gets murky and the church has made great efforts to distance themselves from this, at least publicly. This is true for many reasons, the most obvious being because the whole idea is insane. It also goes directly against the teachings of the Bible by implying that there is not one God by many Gods and that each of us (if you are a man of course!) can one day hope to be rewarded with a planet and Godhood. It destroys its own basic principle of the eternal family (hard to all be hanging out together when each male is off being a God to his own universe) and leaves the church out there in the same realm as Scientologists and Raeliens. Even some Mormons seem unaware of this doctrine, despite it being a fundamental plank in their Plan of Salvation.

Deciding how many children you want to have is a personal and sometimes difficult decision. My husband and I talk about it a lot and neither one of us is ure how many we want. There are so many factors to consider – the kind of family you want to have, how much money you have, how easy/hard pregnancy is on your body and how hard baby’s are on your marriage. As a Mormon, a third party enters the debate. God. Yup, you have to pray and reflect on whether there are more babies already destined for your family, hanging out in spirit land just waiting for this one chance to receive a physical body and realize their eternal destiny. No pressure there. My SIL has gone against the direct advice of Doctors and had more babies – all because she had received a revelation that there were more spirit babies waiting for her. (Her pregnancies make her sick, sick, sick for the entire nine months and risk her life every time. She has nearly died with three out of four births and I’m not convinced she’s finished.)

So there you have it in a nutshell. Where babies come from. That is, if you are part of a very weird religion. Everyone else just has sex.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Posted by AtheistMom on July 4, 2010
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I was interested to read some of the comments to my recent post On a Mission. I thought my approach was very tempered and a good way to open a dialogue. Nothing feels less comfortable to me than never addressing a major issue. I know there are times to address it and ways to approach things respectfully and lightly but never? Never, ever? That just feels wrong. So while I appreciate the idea that I should just leave things alone and the sentiment behind it, that ain’t me. I feel too strongly about this to just sit back and watch someone I care about become a morg. :)

The good news is, I got a great response from my BIL. I didn’t really think he would take it badly but I guess you never really know until you try. I won’t repeat verbatim what he wrote because I feel like that would be bad form but basically he agreed with me that credit should be given to doctors, technology, science etc. but that crediting God is also important because for many, it really is their faith that keeps them going. Fair enough I suppose.

He maintains that he has seen prayer at work (and gave me an example of a woman in his mission who has been trying to get pregnant and only a week after receiving a priesthood blessing, found out she was expecting. Oh, and the missionary correctly predicted it would be a girl) and that it is the greatest outward expression of inner faith. He wasn’t the least bit offended and so I am happy that I have started a discussion at the very least.

It is too easy for myths and stereotypes about atheists to persist when we fail to identify ourselves as such. So, in my reply to his email, I thanked him for his response and told him I thought it was well-considered and respectful (which it was) and that as an atheist, prayer is likely not something we will ever agree on but that there is always value in trying to understand the people you love. Baby steps.

The example of “prayer in action” that he gave me is so typical and so pervasive. To be able to see the example for what it is requires a lot; an acceptance of true coincidence, an understanding of basic statistics and probability, an appreciation for the human brain to create what it wants (“If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail” – Mark Twain) and the maturity to recognize that a lot of stories, are just down right lies. How do you effectively deconstruct this example in a way someone of faith can grasp where you are coming from? I mean, I know that there is only one way to end a drought (whether it be of the moisture or the baby variety) and so a prediction like that will almost always be true with time. I know that there are only two options for a baby and that predicting it’s a girl is not statistically relevant – not even close. I know that people tend to count the hits and ignore the misses and that it’s just as likely that the missionary told her she was going to get pregnant several times before she actually did, or that the story was revised to be even more faith-promoting with each repetition. I know that by no means does this example prove that prayer works and yet, for some, it does.

I feel lucky to have a strong background in science and I credit that largely for my atheism. I studied neuroscience with some very impressive people with wicked minds and an almost universal lack of belief in God. I learned how to think, deconstruct, spot the faulty assumption or premise and apply the scientific method to the world around me. It is not realistic to think that everyone could (or would want to) have that kind of experience. So, how do you teach basic critical thinking to young people in a way that isn’t threatening?

This could be a whole other post, but I’m a big believer that this should be taught to every student in the world. At least it would be a start.

Will keep you updated on BIL.

Babes…

Posted by AtheistMom on June 24, 2010
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Often in the mornings, my husband will bring our daughter into the bed if I am still asleep. Most days she proceeds to poke me, prod me, yell “Wake up Mama!” into my face and generally bug me until I get out of bed. On lucky days, she will lie beside me and cuddle with me for awhile. I wake slowly but happy to have her next to me. We chat, she kisses me and we sing or play little word games. Yesterday, hubby put her on his side of the bed and when I rolled over to look at her sweet angelic face, she said “I need some sex Mama.”

Thinking I might still be half asleep and clearly mishearing her, I said: “What!?”

“I need some sex right now Mama!”

I didn’t even know what to say. I was thinking to myself “How does she know what that is? Where did she hear that? What am I supposed to say to that!?”
Then she clarified. “Mama, my feet are like ice. I need some sex!”

Oh. Socks. No problem.

In Lieu of Prayers Send Doctors…

Posted by AtheistMom on May 7, 2010
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We have been trying to get pregnant for some time now and it is taking a bit longer than we anticipated. Then, a couple of days ago, I started experiencing awful pain in my lower abdomen and happened to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Unfortunately, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy and after an emergency ultrasound and a rush of phone calls, concerned doctors and a particularly embarrassing tour through my doctor’s waiting room on a stretcher, I found myself in hospital awaiting surgery. My husband called the necessary people and informed them of what was happening and the reaction from the MIL was of course, that she would keep me in her prayers. I always appreciate the sentiment behind those kinds of things and I realize that they are often said out of habit and the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what else to say. The point was, that she was concerned,thinking of me and hoping for the best.

I had a lot of time to think in the hospital and since that’s what I tend to do anyway, the extra time wasn’t really necessary (or healthy! I was treated by the nicest people and every nurse or doctor who I encountered was kind, friendly, professional and obviously very capable. I watched the machinery around me – from the ultrasound machine that first diagnosed the ectopic pregnancy,  the heart monitors, the thermometers that took my temperature with a quick swipe over my forehead, to the little pads on my fingers that read my pulse and oxygen levels. Amazing. Eventually, when I was brought in to the operating room, I was put under with anaesthetic, had my blood sugar monitored continuously and the surgeons were able to inflate my abdominal cavity and perform laparoscopic surgery through three small incisions. That is incredible.

We take so much for granted these days but as a diabetic I am keenly aware of how much we rely on modern-day advances to keep us healthy. I’m glad my MIL prayed for me but I’ll put my money (and my life) on the side of science and technology any day.

Word of Wisdom?

Posted by AtheistMom on April 24, 2010
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We went to Mormon-land for Easter this year and we had a wonderful time (all while tip-toeing around the ever-present elephant in the room).  I was sent down the road for frozen peas (I was just surprised it wasn’t Jello) and so I took my little girl along with me. It only took us five minutes to get back to the house. We walked in the door and my little one (who is nearly 2.5) said “We went store” to which Grandma (naturally) responded “What did you buy?” My daughter, in her airy and soft voice, replied, “Beer.” The town we were in is a very Mormon town and is dry, so beer was not even an option.

Perplexed and obviously thrown, Grandma offered to take my daughter outside to play. I stood at the door watching as she got into the little toy car in Grandma’s yard and started to “drive”. She stopped the car at Grandma’s feet, leaned her head right out the window and said, “Coffee, bagel please.” Awesome. By that point she might as well have said “Grandma, me a heathen. Please, save me.”

This of course led me to thinking about the Word of Wisdom.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, the Word of Wisdom is a health code followed by Mormons and is found in their Doctrine & Covenants (a book with revelations from God).

Basically the WofW prohibits the use of tobacco, wine and  “strong drinks” and “hot drinks” and includes a list of foods that should be eaten and how much (“wholesome herbs and every fruit in the season therof”, meat, sparingly and only in times of winter and famine, and the benefits of grains, including “mild drinks” made of barley) and of course, the spiritual rewards that will come with adherence to the Word.

Adherence to this piece of doctrine has become central to its current membership. In order to enter the temple (which, if you are Mormon is all you ever really want to do apparently) you must be compliant with the WofW and it has evolved to become a point of great pride within the church.

What is not discussed in the church is the obvious discretion between what was originally written and what has become doctrine. Umm…meat, sparingly? Have you ever been to a Mormon picnic? The only things more present than meat are jello and mayonnaise! This part of the WofW is basically ignored and like all great religions, the membership doesn’t seem to notice or care.

The other part that is weird (and there are many) is the prohibition on “hot drinks”. Mormons are great lovers of hot chocolate. They also drink cider, and more recently, are starting to drink herbal tea. While caffeine itself is never mentioned in the WofW, some Mormons have interpreted the doctrine as such and the Brigham Young University campus still only serves caffeine-free Coke. Other Mormons don’t worry about caffeine at all. Some Mormons drink herbal teas (which is really getting close to the line) while others wouldn’t dare.

The prohibition on drinking alcohol is even more confusing, while more universally followed. Mormons will tell you they don’t drink alcohol – period. (I’m not sure where they stand on using vanilla in their baking but I’m sure some where in Utah is a store selling de-alcoholized vanilla extract) What they won’t tell you is that the original text of the WofW was quite open to people drinking beer and likely mead or something similar. The prohibition is on “strong drinks” while mild drinks made of barley were permitted. Ummm, how many mild drinks made of barley are you aware of? In fact, even the apostle Brigham Young Jr. ascertained that beer was okay, unfortunately for millions of Mormons, that was later reversed by the church.

The Word of Wisdom, in my opinion is a shining example of what can happen when millions of people don’t think for themselves. Content to rely on church leaders and willfully ignorant of their changing opinions, most Mormons aren’t even aware that a discrepancy exists. They don’t read the original text in any kind of critical way because they are discouraged from doing so. They don’t stop and ask themselves why some of them drink caffeine while others don’t, or wonder why Jesus would drink so much wine and then ban it down the road. (Oh wait – the church actually teaches people that Jesus drank grape juice, not wine. I’m sure all those people in Cana were excited about the newly produced vats of grape juice. Sigh.) They seem to fail to see the problem with eating giant steaks, all summer long.

The ability of the human mind to perform logic-defying stunts of mental gymnastics is truly astounding.

I put the Christ in Christmas. I also put it in “Holy F&%@n Christ”.

Posted by AtheistMom on December 15, 2009
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So, I know I’ve been off the radar for a while and I apologize. Getting caught up in life I suppose. With Christmas coming I, like most people, have been busy preparing and trying to get things organized before we head off to visit our respective families. One of which, as you know, is Mormon. Seriously Mormon. As in NO booze, NO coffee, NO tea. I am already dreading a Christmas morning without a hot cup of coffee in my hand not to mention the family tradition of having french food without any wine. Any respectable french person would cringe at the thought of raclette, cheeses and fresh bread without a drop of Bordeaux. Despite what many believe, Martenelli’s does not cut it. Ever.

Christmas can be a divisive time of year for the atheist community (if you can even call it that). Some people believe strongly that we should make a point of shunning all things Christ-like, ban the word “Christmas” all together and use the season as an opportunity for religion-bashing. Others see Christmas as they do every other time of year…as an opportunity to deny their true feelings about religion and remain cloaked and quaking in the closet of atheistic anonymity. I like to think I fall somewhere in the middle. I use the word Christmas. I also use the word holidays. Or Xmas when I’m writing informally. I have a tree and I do the gift thing and while I refuse to put up a manger or put an angel on the top of my tree I don’t go out of my way to be a Jesus scrooge. Except for the few opportunities I had to replace baby jesus with a donkey in the nativity scene. Can you really blame me?

It’s always a tough call for me…do you make a point and say something or just let it slide. Always staying quiet makes me complicit in the ridiculousness that is faith. Always saying something makes me the asshole nobody wants to hang out with. Guess you have to pick your battles. So, I will close my mouth but not my eyes at Christmas dinner when we pray and I will refrain from pointing out that “Hey! Those wise men are all black! WTF?!” and I might even capitulate and sit nicely while we read the Christmas story as long it gets called a story and not a Christmas fact. But I’m bringing a go-cup and I’m making instant coffee in the microwave on Christmas morning and at least then the general climate of hypocrisy might be overtaken by the smooth aroma of a dark roast assaulting the virgin nostrils of my in-laws.

Merry Christmas XMas WTF is wrong with you people? A Virgin birth? A star guiding some wise men who are so WISE that they walk around following stars? A manger which “scientists” now claim was actually a cave in a futile and weird attempt to legitimize the story?

Ummm…peace out.

Sick

Posted by AtheistMom on October 15, 2009
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Last night, we were getting our little girl ready for bed when hubby turned to me and said, “If I was still in the church, she would be learning to pray right about now.” WTF? She’s not even two yet!

The idea of teaching P to get down on her knees and recite some silly poem to the heavens, all in an effort to ingratiate herself to a brutal and inconsistent father in heaven (when she has a wonderful father right here on earth) is infuriating to me.

I have heard the argument made that teaching your kids to be atheist is no different than teaching them to have faith. You are indoctrinating them, either way. This is something I have struggled with because while I want P to think critically and rationally, I don’t want to force her to be a non-believer. I can say though, that I have never sat her down and told her anything about religion. Do you know why? Because she’s a baby! The idea that you would intentionally set out to introduce a supernatural being into a child’s reality before they have the skills or development to question it is sick and twisted. It’s taking advantage of a primed and vulnerable mind and it’s no wonder it is so difficult and painful for adults to leave the church when their faith is so deeply rooted in their infant brain.

I remember reading my hubby’s baby book not too long ago and feeling physically ill when I read this message from my MIL: “Brian received a gift of one dollar today and when I asked him what he was going to spend it on he told me he was going to save it for his mission, – Age 2″

Holy fuck.

Love the sinner, hate the sin?

Posted by AtheistMom on October 11, 2009
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I’ve always thought the Christian motto of “love the sinner, hate the sin” to be a load of codswallup. How do you “love” someone while standing in judgment of them?

More recently though, I have found myself holding a similar motto in my mind as I navigate life with my little brother -in-law. He has recently been called to his mission (Arizona, spanish speaking) and everyone in the family is overjoyed. Except us. We are trying to walk the thin line of  supporting him while not supporting his choice. He is so excited for this big adventure, and while we like th idea of him travelling and learning another language and want to help him financially and be there for him at this time of his life, we can’t support the reason he is going.

My husband has flip-flopped on whether or not to talk to him about any of this and we still haven’t completely decided. On one hand, we don’t want to put a damper on what is an otherwise exciting time in his life. At the same time, he is going to be challenged relentlessly for the next two years so he might as well get used to it.

Missions are well-designed in the sense that many young boys (and girls) really find themselves while they are away. My little bro will likely lose the weight he needs to lose, find discipline, structure and a sense of accomplishment he’s never had before. He will be welcomed and applauded every Sunday in church and will work harder than he’s ever had to, all in the name of God. Our fear is that we know he will attribute all of these positive things to the mission itself as opposed to the structure and regular exercise it brings.

Hubby wants to talk to him about that and a few other things he himself experienced on his mission so that when they happen, the seed of doubt has already been planted. When the church tells him certain things that go directly against what he sees in the world (for example, that only church member are truly happy…just ignore the smiling Dad with his baby girl on his shoulders, eating ice cream in the park. He’s not really happy) he will have already been primed to see the inconsistency.

What we are more inclined to do however, is to just shut up, give him a hug and a $100 and send him on his way. There is going to be a lot of tongue biting between now and March.

What is the world coming to?

Posted by AtheistMom on August 25, 2009
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This recent article in Time magazine made me so mad and frustrated. A part of me just kept thinking “This can’t really be happening – obviously this judge is insane and it will be struck down at the New Jersey Supreme Court.” I’m hoping that’s what will happen but I’m not convinced.

This is an argument I have heard from believers before, “How could you not allow your children the privilege of religion in their lives?” I usually have two responses to this type of question:

1. The Outloud Response: Well, parents choose religion for their children all the time. Christians raise Christians, Muslims raise Muslims and atheists tend to raise atheists. And while I could argue that in principle they are the same, I think raising a secular child is even less offensive. Indoctrinating a child to believe one story over another versus teaching them to think critically and evaluate each “story” they come across. While it’s true that religion won’t receive much intellectual respect in our household it will be discussed openly with each religion being equally treated. I will not simply teach my kid to listen to me and trust me and believe in something. I want her to learn how to weigh evidence, critically evaluate things and think rationally. These are skills she will need throughout her life and if she applies them to religion, she will come to her own conclusions.

2. The Inside Voice: Well, I plan on keeping her from the “privilege” of experiencing addiction, abuse and pain so why not religion?

mission impossible?

Posted by AtheistMom on May 25, 2009
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My little brother-in-law has recently turned in his mission papers. That means that in a few months he will get his mission call and he will be gone for the next two years. Your mission is something that most boys prepare for for their whole lives. I have seen books geared to toddlers talking about “When I go on my mission…” It is a huge deal – it separates the “good” mormons from the “bad” for the rest of their lives (“Where did you serve your mission?” is often the first question asked by mormons upon meeting another male mormon), and many young women are looking exclusively for a RM (returned missionary) to marry. I won’t get into the details of a mission and what it entails in this post – suffice it to say that it is strict, long and focused entirely on baptizing as many people as possible.

My husband is grappling about whether he should say something to his brother before he goes. We have always been very hands off about the church and don’t really discuss it with the kid brother and sister because we want to be respectful (even though we technically aren’t because we think they are in a cult) and maintain the peace. But, now little bro is about to embark on a two year service mission where he is going to get laughed at and countered almost every day so my husband thinks that talking to him can’t be much worse. He wants to plant the seed so that he sees the things we want him to see: the fact that people outside of the church live happy, content lives, the fact that outside Southern Alberta and Utah, the mormons aren’t as important or as present as they claim to be (the church highly exaggerates both its membership numbers and its impact) and that a lot of his mission will be a numbers game. Get ‘em in, get ‘em counted, even if they don’t really know what they are signing up for. We want him to have something to think about so that he might, just might, give some credence to the objections that he hears while he is away.

Missions seem to have one of two effects on people; they either come back Super-Morm or leave the church all together. We would really prefer the latter and just aren’t sure how to go about it. We aren’t the only interested party waging war over this young man’s fertile mind. And while they have billions of dollars, years of brain washing and an entrenched political wing on their side, we have the truth.