One of the things I love most about reading other people’s blogs is that you get the opportunity to enter a whole new world. A completely different life, in another part of the planet, with a different point of view. I have a handful of blogs that I’ve been reading for years and one of them is Girl’s Gone Child. Rebecca isn’t wildly political or a baking savant – she is an intelligent, very hip Mom in the Los Angeles area who I happen to agree with on a lot of things. She is a little more ethereal in her approach to life than I probably am, but I find it refreshing. I love her little family and her little life and her closet full of clothes that I love on her but would never wear. One of the things I love about Rebecca (other than her poetic prose) is the amount of thought and consideration she gives to her parenting. Being a mother is a big, sometimes scary but always important job and too many people take it for granted and do it by default.
This most recent post by GGC got me thinking about death and what we tell our children about it. Death is as much a part of life as living and while I have always been sure I wouldn’t tell my kid some made up story about heaven and seeing their long-lost grandparents in the clouds, I would be lying if I said it was a conversation I am looking forward to. Reading Rebecca’s post however, made me feel a bit differently. Especially the part where she says that most people hold off talking about death to young people until they can understand it. I had never really thought how ridiculous that is. Nobody understands death. Why would kids be less capable than grown ups of wrestling with those very big ideas. If anything, they may have some very valuable insight – they haven’t learned yet to be afraid of death. To avoid thinking about it and dwelling on it until someone close to them dies and it is thrust into their life with fury. That’s no way to be introduced to death.
When it comes time to talk to my daughter about death, I want to treat it with the attention and respect it deserves. I don’t want to lie and I don’t want her to feel confused. She may feel afraid but at the very least, I want her to know that we can talk about it. That like other important subjects (sex, life, our bodies etc.) it is not off the table. I will tell her about heaven and what some people believe and I will tell her what I believe. Ultimately, the choice will be hers.
What conversations have you had with your children about death? What is your philosophy about death, dying and children?
We have gone with the circle of life approach. My daughter loves animals, and it has been easy to talk about death in the context of nature and the animal world. We talk about returning to the earth and going to sleep forever. That being said, I do protect her from the death conversation if possible. I don’t mention every death on the news or tell her all of the things that I have experienced. There will be enough sorrow in life. We haven’t talked about heaven yet. She does know that some people believe in religion and god(s). In our house, gods are just myths.
I love the idea of discussing death within the context of nature as the above comment suggests. My husband and I usually ask our kids what they think happens and we usually get an answer that is surprisingly frank. When my 6 year old daughter asked us one night about “heaven” we told her that many people like to believe in the idea of heaven because it makes them feel safe or comforted but that no one really knows what happens when you die. My 8 year old son piped in at that time and said, “so it’s kinda like Santa Clause? He’s not real but it’s a nice idea, right?”. We really strive to let our kids come to their own conclusions organically and rationally. They are really too young to have any real philosophical debate with and we don’t want to taint their perspective with our life’s experience so we try to give both sides of the argument for now.
I just recently (like, YESTERDAY) ran across your blog, and I’ve been spreading it around to all my other atheist mom friends today. I think you’re an AWESOME mom with an AWESOME brain! ;)
Butt-kissing aside, here’s my thoughts:
I have a soon-to-be 6 year old daughter who probably knows more about death, reproduction, and everything in between than your average 30 year old (or maybe it’s just that my peers are REALLY, REALLY DUMB). I HOPE it’s healthy, but she’s like Wednesday Adams. She LOVES watching Bones with me and her dad, and knows how and when to flip the channel over to watch Dr. G. — Screw Spongebob, she wants to watch her medial programs. I swear, she’s gonna grow up to be a surgeon or a medical examiner.
I don’t try to over-soak her in knowledge, but she’s an inquisitive little thing, and I do my best to answer her in an age-appropriate manner. When her pet rat died when she was 4, we buried her in the back yard and I explained that even though she wasn’t with us any longer, her body was gonna turn into good, rich soil that would feed the grass and flowers in our yard, and that in that way, she was still with us. (She told her cousin that her pet rat had died, and her cousin told her “It’s okay! Tak went to Heaven!” to which Faye replied “No she didn’t! Mom buried her in the back yard!”) She’s also dealt with the death of my grandpa, who she was really close to. She understands that it happens to everybody, and I’ve tried to help her understand that it’s just a necessary part of life and that NOBODY knows for sure what happens after death.